242.4!

242.4! That's the number that greeted me this morning when I decided to get on the scale for the first time in weeks. So much for my theory that my body leveled off around 235. I thought I would have to really pig out to ever reach 240. The most discouraging part is that I really haven't been pigging out much. I try to limit the amount of junk food I eat and actually thought I had been doing OK. I shudder to think what would happen if I stopped trying altogether. If today's number is any indication (and I'm sure it is), it appears I could very easily balloon up to 250 or 260.

Every time I reach a new high I become absolutely disgusted with myself. Today is no exception. It was not that long ago when I first hit 225. That highest weight ever prompted my best fat loss success ever. I lost 40 pounds and mostly kept it off for a year or so. Just the other day I saw a picture of myself on our vacation that year. As I stood there on the ruins of Xunantunich in Belize, I did not look like a fat person. At 185, I did still have a bit of a belly under my T-shirt, but it really did not show. My wife had also lost about 40 pounds and she looked very good as well. We were both so proud of our accomplishment and felt better than we had in years. We often marvelled at how close we were to our ultimate fitness goals and how much better we felt mentally and physically. We vowed to never allow ourselves to become fat again.

And yet here we are - only a few years later and fatter than ever before. (Actually, my wife is down about 10 pounds from her highest.) When I was exercising and losing weight that year, I did not really feel like it was that big of a struggle. I felt like I was living a lifestyle that I could continue indefinitely. So it is very difficult to understand why I have been unable to return to that lifestyle in the few years since. I have probably tried at least a dozen times to break the bad habits and get back to eating the way we did back then. But as the failures pile up, the confidence sinks lower and lower. For the first couple of years, I felt like it would not be that hard to get back to 185. Today, 185 seems virtually impossible. Logic and reason tell me that I can get back there in 6-8 months. My gut (no pun intended) tells me I do not have the will-power to do what it takes.

So I guess the question is, How do I get my confidence back? I know it is technically possible. I know other people can do it. But how do I convince myself that I can do it? I know what has to be done. I know how to eat right and exercise. So how do I make myself do it?

Accountability is the word that comes to mind. I lack accountability. I need someone to check up on me and make sure I am on track. I have tried to hold myself accountable, but apparently that does not work for me. Perhaps I need to fork over the money for a personal trainer. I really don't feel like I can afford that, but on the other hand I cannot afford to keep letting my health deteriorate.

Today I feel motivated. I am going to the gym today. I am going to the store to buy some healthy food. I am determined to get back on the wagon and become fit. But how long will this last? A few days? A week? When I rejoined the gym a few months ago I talked to my wife about paying for a personal trainer. But I decided I did not need to do that. The main reason I felt it was unnecessary was because I felt absolutely determined to succeed. I felt more desire to get in shape than I had felt since 2003 when I lost 40 pounds. I thought I really had the motivation back and that I could stick with it. But it lasted less than two weeks.

I don't have the answer, but for the next few days I am going to be thinking long and hard about what it is going to take for me to continue exercising and eating right when the motivation wanes. All I know is that I have to make the arrangements now, while the motivation is with me. This time I cannot make the mistake of assuming the motivation will stay.