Still fighting

I'm doing better this week. I got out and ran a couple times and plan to run again tomorrow morning. I also started lifting weights again this week. Just some basic dumbell lifts, but enough to start getting my muscles used to lifting again. I plan to get a bench and more dumbells pretty soon, so I can start doing a full-body workout. I get mad at myself when I think about how many times I have stopped lifting even after noting how much good it was doing for me.

I've also been eating better this week. I stocked my fridge with healthy food on Tuesday and really haven't eaten anything but that since then. It really helps to have good food on hand. If I don't have quick, easy access to healthy food, I find that I readily grab something else. Having the good stuff on hand this week has really made a difference.

My most recent relapse cost me about 10 pounds, so I'm back up to 225. (35% fat). By the end of August I plan to have that back down to 215 and less than 30% fat. By the end of the year, I plan to be down to 175.

I'm going to achieve that by continuing to eat the healthy food, and running, bicycling, and weight lifting. I am going to get my bike out of the shed today and get it tuned up and ready to go so I can ride it a couple times per week. I will probably alternate between biking and running every day in addition to lifting two or three times a week.

Backsliding Sucks

Just like after our Carribean cruise, I completely lost my motivation after our recent trip to Hawaii. Actually, I did pretty good at first. Although in my last post I said I was going to stick with the program rather than pushing myself to do the twenty minute run, I actually did the twenty minute run. It was good, though. I decided I would just start out slow and easy and keep up a slow, steady pace for as long as I could. I was really surprised that I did the full twenty minutes.

The next few times out, I ran twenty minutes non-stop. But something strange happened. Instead of enjoying my newfound ability to run twenty minutes, I began finding it dreadfully boring. I was unprepared for this. From the time I first started running, I loved my morning runs. I hated my days off. Even though I was only running a minute or two at a time, I loved the feeling. I loved being out there strengthening my body and increasing my stamina. I especially loved the progress I was making. I longed for the day when I could run twenty minutes straight with no walking breaks.

So it really took me by surprise when, the very day I achieved my goal of running twenty minutes non-stop, my sense of accomplishment was overshadowed by a stronger sense of boredom. The next few times out it was the same. I couldn't wait for the twenty minutes to be over. Twice I tried a different route and even increased my time to thirty minutes. Still nothing but boredom. Even bringing my mp3 player did not help much. After only a few of these dreadfully boring two-mile runs, I started out one day and, after only a half mile, I turned around and came home. I think that may have been my last run.

It's been a couple months now since I've been out and I haven't done any other exercise either. Other than eating, of course. I stocked my cupboards with Hostess cakes and Oreos, Little Debbie cakes and Milanos. I have not gained all my fat back, but I'm getting close.

In desperation, I have come to my own blog hoping to find some motivation. I am hoping I can get back what I had five months ago. What was driving me then and where is it now? I know for certain the upcoming trip to Hawaii was a great motivator for me. Now it is history and I don't plan on going again next year. However, I have several family reunions this year and I'd like to be able to go swimming without being self-conscious of my belling hanging down to my knees.

And what about the race in July? Well, it is two weeks from today and I have not been out running for at least two months. And my longest runs were two miles. So I don't see how I can manage a 7+ mile run in two weeks. My wife is still planning on doing the race. She has continued to run although her motivation has also been waning.

The good news is that I did come to the blog today and, after reading some of my posts and writing out my thoughts, I feel a little spark. I actually feel a desire to get out and run again. I want to be strong and healthy. I absolutely hate being fat! Although it is incredibly hard to stay motivated for the months and years that it takes to make the change, I am not ready to throw in the towel. Most of my snack cakes and cookies are gone. I plan to not buy any more. Starting tomorrow, maybe even today, I am taking up running again. I am also going to buy a weight bench and start lifting again. It's time to get back in the ring and go another round.

Ding ding . . .

Aloha!

Just got home a couple days ago from Maui. Such a nice place to relax in the sun. Too bad it was pouring rain. Well, in truth it only rained hard on two of the days. The rest of the week was partly sunny. Not as nice as last year, but pretty good.

My running plan kinda got put on hold, but I'm happy to say I weighed pretty much the same when I got back as when I left. It's nice to be away from home for ten days and not put on any pounds -- especially after the several juicy Maui cheeseburgers I ate, and the milkshakes.

I ran for the first day, but my knees were still hurting -- especially the weird pain I'd been having below the right knee. I was able to do my three minute intervals, but it left me pretty sore. Due to a combination of that, and the fact that I was getting up every morning at about 4AM and walking up and down the beach for several hours, I didn't run again until yesterday.

After ten days off, I didn't do too bad. I was able to run three 3-minute intervals and then I finished with a six-minute interval -- doubling the longest run previous to that. I found a nice easy pace that I felt like I could maintain indefinitely. It felt good to be running again, although I could still feel my knee pain. The weird pain below my right knee seems to be gone, however.

Strangely, today my knees don't really hurt at all -- even when I'm going up or down stairs. So I think the week off was good, although I need to keep building strenth in my quads and stretching my hammies to get my knees back in good condition.

My original goal was to do 20 minutes non-stop by March 31 -- that is tomorrow. As tempting as it is to try and do it, I think I will bite the bullet and pick up the program where I left off. I will do intervals of 5 and 8 minutes, and then try the twenty minute run next Friday. I don't want to cause further problems with my knees and end up derailing my running program for an extended period. As long as I take it easy, I think they will come around and the pain will eventually go away.

W2D3

Yesterday was W2D3. As with Wednesday, I was breathing pretty hard at the end of each 90 second jogging interval. In fact, at the end of the 4th interval, I started to feel a little light-headed. During the 5th interval, I almost stopped at 60 seconds.

At that point I was feeling rather frustrated and, knowing that I have to do three minute intervals next week, I was afraid I was going to have to repeat week two. So I decided to test myself and see just how long I could go if I didn't have my mind fixed on 90 seconds. So I set my timer to three minutes and started out with a slow, steady pace. Surprisingly, I did the full three minutes, and could have kept going.

I learned a couple things from this. First, mindset has a great deal to do with performance. As long as my mind is fixed on 90 seconds, that will be my limit. That's apparently why 60 seconds seemed exactly right last week and 90 seemed exactly right this week. That's what I set my mind to, so that's what I was able to do.

Second, probably due to my mindset, my pace has probably been too fast. When I set out to do three minutes, I deliberately set a slow pace. I got into a rhythm and my breathing never got too heavy. At the end of the three minutes, it was still about the same as at the beginning.

It's good that I did that three minute test yesterday because I now have the confidence that I need to move on next week. Not to mention the fact that it just felt great to be able to run for three minutes without having to walk. That may be the longest I've run at one time since I did the 5k "fun run" in 7th grade.

W2D2

Today I did my second run of week two. I thought I would have a little more energy than I had on Monday since I didn't do any bike work beforehand like I did then. Strangely, it turned out that today was harder than Monday. But it wasn't so much a lack of energy as a lack of aerobic capacity. My lungs were practically gasping for breath at the end of each 90 second interval. My calves were pretty tight too, but I could've endured that. Maybe I should do some bike work before each of my runs. It seems like it would be counterproductive, but it sure didn't hurt me on Monday.

I weighed in at 216.5 and 30% bodyfat. About the same as a couple days ago, but I had about a two pound spike yesterday (even though I did everything right on Monday), so I can't complain about being back near 216. I do want to be well below 215 by the end of next week. Actually, 213 would be nice because that would be 25 down from where I started in November.

W2D1

I started the second week of the C25K program today. My legs were pretty sore when I completed the third run of the first week on Saturday, so I thought I might have to take two days off and start this week on Tuesday. But after 45 minutes on the stationary bike this morning, I was feeling pretty good and decided to at least take the dog out for a walk.

My legs didn’t feel sore, so I decided to go ahead and do the 90 second intervals of running. Surprisingly, I did not get out of breath until it came near the end of each 90 second interval. Just two days ago I was huffing and puffing at the end of 60 seconds, so it surprised me today when I passed each 60 second interval without feeling like I was even breathing hard. I hope the same thing happens next week when I have to start doing 3 minute runs.

I weighed in at 216# and 29.5% bodyfat today, so my fat loss efforts are moving along nicely.

As for my other goals, I did take the kids to play tennis Saturday, but I didn’t play long because it was very cold and my knees were still sore from the morning run.

Food logging? I don’t like the food logging goal I made. I am keeping track in my head and so I know I am staying below my 1500 calorie limit. But I hate taking the time to log everything. Writing down what I eat isn’t the hard part, it’s tallying up the points, calories, carbs, fats, proteins, etc., that I really hate. So as long as I know I’m doing good, I may not worry about writing it down.

Still losing

I weighed in at 218 and 29.5% bodyfat today. So I'm still losing fat, though not as fast as I would like. I think I need to increase the cardio. 30-60 minutes a day isn't going to get me more than about a one pound per week loss.

March Goals

Action goals for March:
Eating: start logging food every day, keep calories under 1500.
Running: run three times a week (M-W-F) according to the C25K schedule.
Other exercise: on days not running, do at least 30 minutes of cardio (e.g., indoor bike).
Tennis: take kids to play tennis at least four times in March.
Golf: go golfing at least one time in March.

Results goals for March:
Lose ten pounds of fat.
Run two miles non-stop on March 31.

W1D2

I got my new running shoes last night and was excited to get an early start this morning on my second run of the C25K program. I was dismayed when I awoke at 5AM to the sound of heavy winds and rain hitting the house. It almost never rains here, but of course it would rain the morning I plan to try out my new shoes.

Fortunately, by 7:30 AM the rain and wind had stopped and the clouds were breaking up. So I was able to hit the road after all. I now have W1D2 (Week One, Day Two of the C5K program) under my belt. It went well. I felt great after I finished.

I was a little worried about how my knees would hold up because I’ve had a little pain right below the knee caps, but it didn’t bother me at all while running. Besides a little soreness in my calves, some fairly heavy breathing at the end of each 60 second interval was all that plagued me. Sixty seconds does not sound like much, but it sure is enough to get me winded.

I am looking forward to the day when I can run for miles without getting out of breath. According the C25K schedule, that day should be W5D3. On that day, I am supposed to be able to run 20 minutes (approximately 2 miles) without stopping or walking. If all goes according to plan, that will occur on Friday, March 31.

C25K

Two weeks ago I had never heard of the C25K. Now I think about it day and night. It nearly consumes my every thought. So what is it? It’s the Couch to 5K running program I found on coolrunning.com. The idea is to turn a couch potato into a 5K runner in just over two months. That’s exactly what I need because I, Couch Potato, want to be a runner.

My wife was a runner in high school and, over a dozen years of marriage, I have heard many times that she is going to be a runner again. She has spoken many times of her desire to run the annual 4th of July run in Hood River, OR. I believe it is a 12K. As the years passed, my skepticism increased (though I never expressed it to her).

Last July, as we watched the runners (including one of her brothers) cross the finish line, she told our kids that she was going to run it next year (2006). Our older boys (9 and 11) expressed interest in running it with her. Despite my skepticism, I strongly encouraged her to do it. In fact, I told her that if she was serious about it I would do it with her.

Today, I am eating my words. About a month ago, she really got serious about it. She has been out doing walking/jogging intervals (“wogging” as she calls it), pretty much every other day. This morning she called me at work and informed me that, for the first time in many years, she was able to run for 30 minutes without walking. She was so excited to finally be a runner again!

Needless to say, my skepticism is gone. She has proven true to her word. I now have no doubt that she is going to run the 4th of July race this year. The problem is, I have committed to a race that I may not have time to prepare for. From what I’ve read on the internet, I’m not likely to go from Couch Potato to 12K in four months. But I’m going to work towards it and see what happens. If nothing else, I can always walk it.

In contrast to my wife, I’ve never been much of a runner. I’ve tried a number of times to start running, but I always get winded so quickly it never seems worth it. There is no question that I always try to do too much, too soon. But then, when you get out of breath in less than a minute, it seems impossible not to overdo it.

That’s where the C25K comes in. I start out doing 20 minutes of “wogging” (60 seconds jogging, 90 seconds walking), three days a week. Each week the jogging intervals become longer. By the 9th week, I should be able to run 3 miles (in about 30 minutes) without stopping or walking.

Before stumbling onto the C25K program, I had never heard that by starting out this way, a person could rather quickly work up to jogging non-stop for 20-30 minutes (or more). I have read enough posts on the coolrunning.com message boards to become convinced that it is possible. So I have committed to it.

In fact, I have found a local upcoming 5K fun run, which I will be entering. It just happens to take place the week after I complete the C25K. It’s one of those laid back kinds where dogs are invited and such. I plan to take my lab. It will be the happiest day of his life. If I am able to run the distance, I’ll be pretty happy too.

Sports, Sports, Sports!

My wife and I both want to be physically fit (i.e., athletic). Neither of us equate thinness with fitness. (I clearly learned the difference in seventh grade when it nearly killed my skinny little body to finish a 5K fun run in 38 minutes.) With that in mind, I cannot understand why we did not become more active while we were losing weight in 2003. We certainly had more energy. But our exercise consisted almost exclusively of riding the indoor recumbent bike.

We did not ride the bike because we thought it was a fun sport. Rather, it was simply a means to an end. We did it because it burned calories, period. It’s no wonder we quit doing it when the results didn’t readily show up on the scale.

It is clear to me now that, even though our goal was to become physically fit (i.e., athletic), our focus was entirely on becoming thin. Of course when you are 50 or 60 pounds overfat, losing fat is a big part of becoming fit. But it is certainly not the only part. Yet it is the only part we focused on.

It is different this time around. This time our focus is not entirely on losing fat. We are beginning to get active in a number of different sports, each with goals independent of fat loss. Naturally, participating in these sports will help us lose our fat (and keep it off!), but that is not what we focus on as we participate in these activities.

So what sports are we talking about? To begin with: golf, tennis, bicycling, and running. I plan to add karate in the near future, but haven’t yet committed to it. We also plan to add other physical activities such as hiking and backpacking. Right now the primary focus is on running, as will be explained next time.

Complacency Kills

In hindsight, I now see that the other major reason my wife and I gained back the 40+ pounds we each lost was that we became complacent. Being only 15 or 20 pounds over our ultimate goals, we no longer looked or felt like fat people. Oh how nice it felt just to be "normal" people again! Sure, we still wanted to lose the rest, but since the scale wasn't cooperating, we really didn't try very hard.

At this point, it became very easy to slip back into some of our old bad habits. "Who cares if I stop and get a quarter pound double cheeseburger super-size combo meal on my way home from work? It's not like I'm gonna lose any fat this week anyway." "Who cares if I don't drag myself out of bed to exercise this morning? It's not like I'm gonna lose any fat this week anyway."

The first 20 pounds or so pretty much snuck up on us and by the time we realized what was happening we were on a downward spiral that was like trying to stop a freight train.

We now know that in order for our success this time to be long-term, we must be prepared to combat the dreaded complacency which is sure to set in again. So we have devised a plan. I can sum it up in one word: sports.

Goals: Action v. Results

I have a goal to lose 50 pounds before the end of the coming summer. 50 pounds in six months is less than 10 pounds per month. So it is not an unreasonable goal. However, there is a problem with it. It is a results-oriented goal rather than an action-oriented goal. So what's wrong with results goals? The problem is, while we have direct control over our actions, we only have indirect control over the results. In other words, the ability to meet results goals is not entirely within our control.

For example, anybody who has ever fought the battle of the bulge has most likely had an experience something like this: (1) they set a goal to lose two pounds in a week; (2) they did all the right things, all week long; (3) they got on the scale at the end of the week and learned that they had not lost anything -- maybe even gained a pound. Even though they did all the right things, the scale did not cooperate.

What happens next? Feelings of failure, discouragement, depression. We exclaim, "I worked my butt off all week and still failed! Why do I even bother? Even when I do everything right, I still can't win!" We then begin the new week with a feeling that it doesn't really matter what I do, I can't succeed, so why try. Of course that is a recipe for failure.

That, in a nutshell, is a major reason my wife and I ended up gaining back all the weight we lost in 2003-2004. We had nothing but results-oriented goals, which we measured by scale weight and bodyfat percentage. As we got closer to our ultimate goal, the results did not come as easily as they had before. It was not at all uncommon to work all week to lose a pound or two and see no progress at all. Very discouraging. Simply put, it's very difficult to be motivated when you feel like you are not in control.

Action goals, on the other hand, are directly within our control. Thus, they cannot lead to feelings like "even when I do everything right I still fail -- so why bother?" When we fail to meet our action goals, we know exactly where we went wrong and exactly what we need to do better next time.

Here are some examples of what I mean by action goals.

This week, I will:
- Write down everything I eat.
- Eat no more than X number of calories.
- Exercise at least X minutes each morning.
- Run/walk/bike/etc. X number of miles.
- Go to the gym and lift weights X number of days.

I firmly believe that as we implement action goals, rather than simply using results goals like we did last time, we will have more success in getting and staying fit.

I plan to post my goals on this blog and to report in where I succeed and where I fail. I will also be posting my results-oriented goals, because I do believe they can be helpful. But I will no longer focus solely on results goals as I have in the past.

What we gained the last time we lost

I mentioned last time I wrote that although we outwardly appear to have lost our last weight loss battle (losing over 40 pounds each and then gaining it all back), we gained some valuable intel. So what did we gain (in addition to all our fat back)? Here are a few examples:

1. Confidence. Although the loss was not permanent, we now have more confidence than ever before in our ability to lose large amounts of fat. In May 2003, we had hope and desire to lose a lot of fat, but inwardly there was doubt. This time, there is none. We both know beyond doubt that before this coming summer is over we can be down to where we were two years ago. That confidence really becomes important on days (or weeks) when the scale does not seem to cooperate. When that happens, we don't get as discouraged as we did before because we know from fairly recent experience that a significant drop will follow a seemingly unbreakable plateau.

2. Knowledge re: what needs to be done. Although we had lost weight at other times in the past, we had never really engaged in a sustained, coordinated effort. However, on this last adventure we learned how healthy eating and regular exercise are both crucial to success. We learned what types of food to eat and how much. In other words, we don't have to look for a "diet" plan because we already know what works. Diets don't work. We simply ate healthier and exercised more. Although we thought we could continue on that path forever, we gradually got out of those healthy habits and went back to our unhealthy ones (for reasons I will explore further in future posts). Nevertheless, we know what lifestyle changes we need to make -- and so far, making them this time has not been nearly as hard as it was before.

3. Knowledge re: how to get and stay motivated. This is one I wish to discuss in some detail because, the truth is, this is where we failed last time. So I will do it in a separate post. Therein, I will discuss where we went wrong in this area, and what we will be doing differently this time around.

Where are we now?

As of a couple weeks ago, my wife and I were both right back where we started in May of 2003. That was the month we made a decision that changed our lives forever. Unfortunately, forever lasted only about a year. Needless to say, the more recent year has been a bit depressing. For me (and I think she concurs), it's more about how I feel than about how I look (although being fat is embarrassing, especially when wearing a swim suit).

How do I feel when I’m fat and out of shape? I feel tired. I feel unhealthy. I feel apathetic. I feel lazy. And a strong sense of failure hangs over my head like an ominous thundercloud. My wife and I have been wanting to get rid of this fat again for some time now, but the "get up and go" just hasn't been there. As my Grandma always says, "My get up and go got up and went."

It has been coming back a little though. I have lost 20 pounds since November. That’s not bad considering the fact that I haven’t really exercised that much.

However, an amazing thing happened a couple weeks ago when I booked a flight to Hawaii for the two of us in March. Suddenly, we both have the intense drive to get fit like we haven’t had since May of 2003. Of course we both realize we can’t lose enough by next month to look like fitness models, but we can lose enough to be a little less embarrassed to walk around in a swimming suit.

Last year we went to Hawaii for the first time and we were both very self-conscious the whole time. Even when I wasn’t in a swimming suit, I was still embarrassed by the fact that my Hawaiian shirts would barely button up. The good news is that I tried the same shirts on yesterday and they’re only a little tight. By the time we get to Hawaii this year they will fit nicely.

Although physically we are now more or less right back where we were in May 2003, and thus appear (on the surface) to have lost the battle, the truth is that we gained some valuable intel that we will be using against the enemy in the battle we are now commencing.

More on that later.

The Biggest, Baddest, Battle Yet

May 2003. My wife and I were so utterly disgusted with ourselves for having gained so much weight that we knew something had to be done. My mom had recently had a lot of success with the Weight Watcher's program and raved about how great it was. My wife and I took a look at the points system and saw that it would make calorie counting a lot easier. But we did not want to attend meetings.

So we bought the Weight Watcher books and began counting points. We also both began exercising. For the first time ever we were combining an eating program with an exercise program. The results were very positive. We each lost about 45 pounds of fat. Our goal was to lose 60, so we only had 15 pounds to go. We were so close to finally winning the battle of the bulge.

We had never been happier. We had more energy. We felt stronger and healthier. Everywhere we went people told us how great we looked. We would look at our "before" pictures from May, 2003, and marvel at how we had allowed ourselves to gain so much fat. We were convinced that we would never, ever, be like that again.

Then, in February 2004, we went on our first (and so far, only) Carribean Cruise. It would be easy to blame the cruise for our relapse. I gained 14 pounds in one week on that cruise! However, I shortly lost that weight again and kept it off for the next six months. In August, I hit a new low of 183.5.

This is where it gets confusing. Although I felt better than I had in years, I somehow managed to gain 55 pounds over the next nine months. And not being of that sex, I'm pretty sure I was not pregnant. But rest assured, by the end of that nine months, at my new all-time high of 238, I sure looked like I was nine months along!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how my wife and I nearly won, and then tragically lost, the biggest, baddest, battle yet.

But the war is not over . . .

Why is it hard to stay on track?

Here is a question I have not been able to answer. I have successfully lost significant amounts of fat on many occasions. Every time I have done so, the benefits have been immeasurable: I felt happier, healthier, stronger, more confident, and so forth. On every occasion I have said to myself, "life is so much better this way, I will never go back to being fat again." And yet, every single time, I went back again. In fact, only four months ago, I hit an all-time high -- 238 pounds with 38% bodyfat. Because being fit feels so much better than being fat, I do not know why I keep returning to fatland. But I've done it every time.

In high school, I was a 135 pound weakling. Although I was skinny, I was not in great shape. I tried to do a 5K fun run in eighth grade and had to walk most of the way. I tried to go as fast as I could, but still it took me about 38 minutes. I was sore for a week. I began lifting weights in 9th grade and became able to bench press 140 pounds -- a little more than my body weight. I felt pretty good about that. Even better, I beat the school record for dips with something like 47. Not bad, considering the fact that in seventh grade I could not do even one dip.

The problem is, I severely neglected my lower body. I hated doing squats or any other leg exercises, including running. So my legs never got very strong. I tried running a few times, but half-way around the block I would get so winded I would feel sick. Walking seemed like a waste of time, so I never considered a walk/jog/run program. Besides, being a skinny kid, I was only interested in getting strong -- I didn't have to worry about getting fat.

A year out of high school, I was surprised to see that I weighed 150. I was still pretty skinny for a guy just under six feet. One day, at age 20, I looked in the mirror and realized I was beginning to look fat. I got on the scale and was surprised to see that I weighed 185. I decided it was time to try that dieting thing that the women-folk always talk about. I didn't know anything about dieting, but I did know that I needed to start exercising and eating less. To make a long story short, I ate less, exercised more, and in five or six months I was down to 165. I still had a little roll of fat around my mid-section, but I felt a lot better.

When I got married a year-and-a-half later I weighed around 170-175. My wife, about 130. That's when the real battle of the bulge began -- for both of us. While I certainly noticed the swelling, and hated myself for it, I never realized how bad it was getting until I hit about 220. At that point I began taking a lot of P.E. classes in college: basketball, weight-lifting, karate, etc. I also took a health and nutrition class. I learned a lot about nutrition and fitness, and by the time I began grad school I was down to 200.

During the first year of grad school, I got serious about fitness like never before. I was in the weight room at 5:30 every morning -- six days a week. I gained a lot of muscle that year. My bench press went from 160 to 225. I was able to do well over twenty dips for the first time since high school. Sadly, I again neglected my legs -- though not as much as in years past. I did do leg extensions and leg curls, but no squats or anything intense. I rode the exercise bike several times per week. I played basketball about four hours per week. By the end of the year, my weight was down to about 180 and my bodyfat was at 17% -- down from about 38% the previous year. At that time, I couldn't imagine not going to the gym every day. Feeling the blood pumping through my swelled-up muscles after a good workout every morning was priceless. I had never exercised this much or this regularly before. I was addicted to working out and was never going to quit.

Unfortunately, I had to leave school for the summer for an internship and I did not have access to a gym. What's worse, I spent four hours driving to and from work every day so I was so exhausted when I got home, I did nothing but eat, sleep and work. I couldn't wait for the summer to end so I could get back to school and back into the gym.

When I returned to school in the fall, something was wrong. Suddenly, and unexpectedly, I had lost the motivation to get up and go to the gym in the mornings. I tried a few times, but never could get much of a workout. I desparately wanted to feel the way I had the year before, but the magic was gone. And I could not get it back. By the end of the year I had managed to get to the gym no more than a handful of times. By the end of grad school, I was pushing 230.

That winter I lost 15 pounds just by cutting my eating, counting calories. But I just didn't have much motivation, and I didn't do any exercise. By May I was back up to 225.

That's when I began to fight the biggest, baddest, battle yet.

To be continued . . .

Keeping it off is the hard part

Since losing fat is such a difficult task, I've often wondered why people say keeping it off is the hard part. After all, you can eat more when you are maintaining than when you are losing.

After being on this roller coaster ride for many years now, I am really beginning to see why keeping it off is the hard part. It all has to do with motivation. When I am motivated to lose fat, I can stay that way for months. When I am motivated it really isn't that hard to exercise every day and limit what I eat. But when that motivation disappears, there's nothing to get me up off the couch and there's nothing stopping me from eating a half dozen Krispy Kremes whenever I get the urge.

It seems I am either on track or off track, there is no in-between. So even though maintaining does not take as much effort as losing, I have to be "on-track" to do it. And while I can stay on track for months at a time, I have not yet learned the secret to being on track for years at a time. This is why I am still fat (or shall I say fat again?) even though I have fought, and seemingly won, the battle of the bulge on multiple occasions.

Breaking through plateaus

Breaking through a plateau is awesome! It almost surpasses the agony of being stuck at the plateau. But not quite. After losing 15 pounds between November and January, I stagnated around 222 for over a month. I wasn't really trying too hard, so it wasn't a big deal until this past week or so.

On February 15, I got off my lazy butt and started exercising every day, and began again counting my food intake. The first pound was gone in a day. But for the next five days I could not break through the 221 barrier -- even though I exercised every day and kept my food intake right where it should be.

Finally, today, I broke the 221 barrier and weighed in at 218.5. I am now down 20 pounds since November. Not as far along as I'd like to be, but then I haven't been exercising much until this past week. Of course, the holidays didn't help much either.

Happy Birthday Mom!

To anybody who happens to stumble onto this site:

I'm CJ, and I am fat. Between mid-2004 and mid-2005 I managed to go from 183 to 238 -- a gain of 55 pounds!

It is time to end the madness.

The purpose of this blog is to document my progress and thoughts while on this journey from fat to fit. This is primarily for my own benefit. However, having lost a significant amount of weight once before, I know that people like to know how it was accomplished. When someone asks me that question, I may refer them to this site.

Although documenting my fat to fit journey is the primary motivator for starting this blog, I do not expect to write exclusively about health and fitness. In fact, it may evolve into something else entirely. Only time will tell.

So welcome to my blog. I hope you enjoy the journey as much as I hope I enjoy the journey. Or something like that.